I've just waved goodbye to the boat of fertility.
I didn't know it existed until last week, when I realised that our window for another baby has well and truly closed.
We are blessed (truly!) with 3 adorable, smart, clever, opinionated, loud, gorgeous, naughty, crazy, happy and messy kids. They drive me to the brink of insanity at times, but truly, I am totally in awe of these three little kids who are part me and part HAW, created out of love.
Having three kids in five years wasn't one of my smartest decisions. How I look on with envy at friends who have huge age gaps, as the older child/ren are self sufficient and a help, rather than a hindrance at best. I am sure that people all look at us in envy and think "oh how wonderful, three so close in age, they must be the best of buddies" and yes, at times, this is true, but the reality of a close age gap in this house is that they all compete. For time, energy, attention, everything.
BUT....I wouldn't change my crazy, hectic life.
Or would I??
Lots of people have asked me these past few years "are you going to have more kids?" to which I have always responded "NO WAY, are you NUTS?!" but just last week, as I realised that my little Pixie is soon to be four, that even if I did change my mind, that it would be too late anyway as it would end up being a four and half (best) or longer (worst) age gap.
So, having three close in age and then a solo child with a big age gap, well that's just not going to work. Plus, I struggle as it is, with 3 kids, and absent HAW, a flourishing business and all the other "stuff" that being a working mum of three entails.
BUT....I am having a pang of regret. Regret that the Pixie will NEVER be a big sister (she would be awesome) regret that I'll never use some of my other favourite names, regret that when we go away on holiday, someone will always be "on their own" (ha, bet that is me) when we need to partner up for flights, rides etc. regret that I'll never breastfeed again, regret that I'll never be pregnant again, growing and nurturing another little being that is part me, part HAW.
So as I waved "bon voyage" last week to the boat, I felt sad. Sad that we didn't go for it last year, sad that I didn't listen to my maternal instinct that was crying out for one more baby but listened instead to my rational side that was screaming "are you INSANE".
Yes, I know I am "done" but it will always be "done with regret".
Peace and Love