Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Waving goodbye to the Fertility Boat

I've just waved goodbye to the boat of fertility.  

I didn't know it existed until last week, when I realised that our window for another baby has well and truly closed.

We are blessed (truly!) with 3 adorable, smart, clever, opinionated, loud, gorgeous, naughty, crazy, happy and messy kids.  They drive me to the brink of insanity at times, but truly, I am totally in awe of these three little kids who are part me and part HAW, created out of love.

Having three kids in five years wasn't one of my smartest decisions.  How I look on with envy at friends who have huge age gaps, as the older child/ren are self sufficient and a help, rather than a hindrance at best.  I am sure that people all look at us in envy and think "oh how wonderful, three so close in age, they must be the best of buddies" and yes, at times, this is true, but the reality of a close age gap in this house is that they all compete.  For time, energy, attention, everything. 

BUT....I wouldn't change my crazy, hectic life.

Or would I??

Lots of people have asked me these past few years "are you going to have more kids?" to which I have always responded "NO WAY, are you NUTS?!" but just last week, as I realised that my little Pixie is soon to be four, that even if I did change my mind, that it would be too late anyway as it would end up being a four and half (best) or longer (worst) age gap.

So, having three close in age and then a solo child with a big age gap, well that's just not going to work.    Plus, I struggle as it is, with 3 kids, and absent HAW, a flourishing business and all the other "stuff" that being a working mum of three entails.

BUT....I am having a pang of regret.  Regret that the Pixie will NEVER be a big sister (she would be awesome) regret that I'll never use some of my other favourite names, regret that when we go away on holiday, someone will always be "on their own" (ha, bet that is me) when we need to partner up for flights, rides etc.  regret that I'll never breastfeed again, regret that I'll never be pregnant again, growing and nurturing another little being that is part me, part HAW.

So as I waved "bon voyage" last week to the boat, I felt sad.  Sad that we didn't go for it last year, sad that I didn't listen to my maternal instinct that was crying out for one more baby but listened instead to my rational side that was screaming "are you INSANE".

Yes, I know I am "done" but it will always be "done with regret".

Peace and Love

S.A.M xoxo


12 comments:

  1. Oh don't have regrets. Sounds like you the most amazing family and it had been meant to be it would have been. I keep wondering about a third but know deep down its very unlikely, I understand the battle! Lovely post, made me think, thanks xxx

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  2. It's totally understandable to feel a gush of affection and a twinge of regret at what could have been. But it seems like you have life completely sorted and are more than enjoying every second. I'm SO broody at the moment and would love to have another baby now (daughter just turned 2) but my rational head says wait, I've just signed a new work contract, we're saving for a mortgage, we live in a tiny 2 bed rented cottage - it's not the right time. That said, I'm not sure my rational head will last for a huge amount longer. Maternal broodiness is a powerful thing!

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  3. Molly, I know one thing - if you wait for the right time to come along, it never does. Sometimes you have to make a leap of faith!

    I am going to be honest and say I have never felt like this. Very occasionally, I see my kids growing up and have a little pang that I won't have another baby. But then I remember the rest of the good things I have with my life now and the fact that I don't have to suffer the bad (I don't do well on sleep deprivation, who does?) again and I'm perfectly happy. Such pangs are fleeting and they are never ones of regret. My kids are fab. I disagree that having children close together is a bad thing - yes, mine fight but in my experience so do children with a bigger age gap. They are also each other's partner in crime and can be a huge advocate for each other too. I love that they are close in age and that they go through similar things at roughly the same time. It's a huge bonus for Miss Woo as she sees what her brother is doing at school and knows she'll be doing that next year.

    Having had a second child at 41, I knew my fertility boat had already sailed. I accepted that because it was the right thing to do to have kids. Any earlier in my life would definitely not have been the right thing to do in terms of the partners I was with (or not with.. I had a long single period in my 30s) and the upbringing it would have meant any children I had would have had. To have two beautiful, funny and talented children is a true gift and I don't want to spoil that by longing for another. I don't anyway - that probably makes me hard-hearted but that's how it is.

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  4. seriously-its not going to work???? oh bloddy hell dont be daft,it will cos when we think oh shit another we always find a way and it always works out,the roads a tad different thats all!!! i think if your hearts want num 4 sod it and do it before mother nature steps in and decides it for you!!

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  5. I agree with Kate, if you wait for the "right" time it will never happen!!!! I think it is all about assessing and planning once you are in that situation. Pixie wasn't planned and after the initial shock of even falling pregnant, we did out best to get used to it and now LOVE IT!

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  6. but I have said "bon Voyage" to the boat Ms Farr!

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  7. My boat has sailed too, but three is a great number after all. Mich x

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  8. Undercovermummy15 July 2012 at 22:30

    I really enjoyed reading your post:)

    As a mother of different aged children. Two close together and a 5yr gap I always get frustrated when people tell me that I have enough children or say ' you don't need anymore'! I personally think that I will always feel maternal. In all honesty, I love having a baby but I can't ignore the fact that the other children are getting older and need me just as much in different ways as they did when they were very small. We have decided not to have anymore children either. This is always greeted with a, 'Never say never response' but I think that Mr P does not deal very well with me being pregnant and I don't cope very well with it all. I don't ever want to think that I will never have anymore but part of me knows that we won't. If that makes any sense at all!

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  9. Moving post and how wonderful to have 3 beautiful children-I'd love three and having had an emergency C sec for my first and likely to have more, 3 is the most I'm recommended to have. Lovely post and having met you, your kids are lucky to have such a great Mama.

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  10. I think I will be really sad when I have had my last baby, just because it is such a special thing to go through and being pregnant then looking after a newborn is so precious. It goes far too quick. I think three is a good number though, I guess we have to stop somewhere otherwise everyone would be walking round with ten kids! x

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  11. three is a fab number, but I am starting to think 4 would be better now its too late!

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  12. Your mixed emotions are the same as mine!!!! Despite getting older, the needs are different...I will be pulled in all sorts of directions next year as they are all doing different acitivites at different times!

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